I've been working at the Edge for about a year and a half or so now, and my time is almost over. That's right, the Fanboy will be leaving you all in the next few months as I kinda have to go to college.
Unfortunately for the Edge, that college is in Madison, hence my upcoming leave. But before I leave, I have been given the task of training the new Kyle.. er.. I mean basement guy. That's right, I shall be creating a "Robo-Kyle" to replace me! Or Kyle Lite. Or Not-Kyle. Or can't-Believe-It's-Not-Kyle. Or Mark. It's time for me to pass on my knowledge, and I decided I'm gonna share it will all of you! Yeah, I can hear the crickets too. Well onto my list.
1. Do not, under any circumstances, poop in a half box.
2. Do not worship Satan. Read a comic instead.
3. Bendis. Johns. Straczynski. Azzerello. Smith. Morrison. Gaiman. Moore. Ennis. Ennis.
4. One word: Sinestro.
5. Filing Titans books is a mess. Teen Titans, New Teen Titans, Titans, Team Titans, Tales Of Teen Titans, Spotlight on Titans. Damn.
6. Magic cards are the work of the devil.
7. One word: Mullet.
8. The Green Lantern made my name gay. Damn him!! That was MY job! Wait a minute...
9. When selling trades at Edge-West, write EVERYTHING down. John will know if
something's missing. He has that power.
10. The Sopranos is quite possibly the greatest show ever made.
11. Nevermind, it's the Simpsons, but Sopranos is damn close.
12. Read Watchmen. DO IT.
13. Batman: The Dark Knight Returns #3 is never coming out. (Disclaimer: It's finally coming on July 31... supposedly...)
14. Oracle #6 DID come out. Only it was called Origin instead.
15. There used to be comics called Astro City and Planetary. At least that's what I hear...
16. Free Mars...
17. Filing independent books sucks. Stupid independent books.
18. When given beads, you must go wild.
19. Butter that bacon!
20. Bacon that sausage!
21. Don't poop in a long box either.
22. Las Vegas will kill me.
23. You'd love the Spidermans. They're a great little Jewish couple.
24. "Clean buildings, nice buildings bring customers." Or else STEVE SMASH!
25. The Just Imagine books prove Stan Lee doesn't know what decade this is.
26. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back are 5 damn good films.
27. When you order one thing in Previews one month, you'll order a million things the next month.
28. Meatfests bring Meatsweats.
29. When Steve says "Kyle, I have a project for you": RUN.
30. The Jack Knight Starman series rocked. Read it.
31. Free Comic Day was a really bad idea.
32. The big rat in the Edge-South basement's name is Bitey.
33. Morlocks are real.
34. Being an Edge guy means you'll eventually shave your head.
35. CrossGen is the future of comics. Books on time, excellent art and writing, and something for everyone.
36. Pokemon cards are the work of the devil. And I sold your kid three cards, not two cards,
dammit. And I gave correct change.
37. Once you've seen the Edge-South basement rats reenact the Crisis on Infinite Earths, you've seen EVERYTHING.
38. Duct tape solves everything.
39. Hollywood Hulk Hogan is the greatest wrestler who ever lived.
40. Battle Chasers is CANCELED. Quit asking.
41. You want change for a dollar? I don't think so...
42. Don't even THINK about pooping in a magazine box.
43. You can't build a Fem-Bot out of long boxes, duct tape, and old comic covers.
44. Apparently $10 isn't enough when someone wants to sell us bad comics.
45. "So, where's Jef been hiding out? I haven't seen him for a while." Yes, I do get this question. More often than you'd think. And I never even met the guy.
46. There is no Secret Wars movie, except the one the Edge Basements rats made. It's not that good, so don't ask for it. Their rendition of Kingdom Come was much better.
47. The Thor hammer we had doesn't really make you Thor.
48. Babylon 5 was a great show. "Viiiiiiiiir!"
49. Though Blade from the movies rules, Blade from the comics still sucks.
50. How do you know you're truly an Edge guy? You pimp the Edge while in a porn store.